Truth

I was recently asked by a group of younglings if I planned on doing my current job forever. Instantaneously, I replied with a resounding NO. They kind of laughed, and then, naturally, asked why. My response, though I was tempted to edit it, was because I couldn't imagine myself doing this forever. When they pressed me, asking why I had chosen my current career path, I again answered honestly with "I love to write." And those precocious little monsters pressed some more, and asked why I didn't write for a living. I paused, and thought for a minute. Why don't I write for a living? It's a question I've posed myself many times. I know it's what I want to be doing. I know that my calling could be accomplished through it, and that I could be happy and fulfilled and those things. I know that I could maintain my current lifestyle with some effort. I know my mother would be proud of her writer daughter, and I know that I would love my life; I would love doing all the things I do now, even my job, that much more if I just spent time writing. And so I answered honestly: it's too scary to write for a living. And I told them the truth. For me, writing is like bleeding, and it worries me that I would bleed myself to death if I were to write for a living. That I would put everything there is inside of me on paper, and that there would be nothing left. And even as I say that, I know it's not entirely true. Blood recreates itself. When you lose some, you make some more. And when you write your life, you create some more. And so there it is. A dream that for now stays undreamed even, because dreams sometimes happen in states of wakefulness.

Huge Changes

Not long ago, less than 7 years ago, I was an unhappy woman. I weighed over 300 lbs, I was hiding from myself, from things I am sure I still don't even know about. I hated my body, and looking back at the few pictures I have from that time period for good reason, and I hated myself. Almost a decade later, I am finally making change sin my life for the positive, and have big goals ahead. The first: by January 2013, become a certified personal trainer.

There are so many steps along the way. I have so much to learn, and have no idea where to start. Though, like anyone in my situation with a lot to learn in a short amount of time, I turned to the internet. Among my recent searches you will find "how hormones affect weight loss," "women's fitness," "nutrition basics," (that one was worthless...) and the list goes on. A friend recently suggested I start a blog detailing my journey- things I've tried, things that worked, things that don't work, resources I like, resources I don't like, etc.-and I'm mulling this idea over.

What I don't want is for this new endeavor to be meaningless. Not only should it be informative for myself, but also for my potential readers. And it should serve as a resource for potential clients. In my short time researching women's fitness issues, and as a woman myself, I've learned little about fitness and nutrition, and instead been subjected to countless worthless articles about...well, not much. I need to get myself edumacated. Quick.

And so, until I decide what to call this venture, I'll be posting my discoveries here. I'll label or tag them for easy reference, and hopefully you'll enjoy them along the way, between my inconsistent self-angsty ramblings that make up my other postings. May you be as strong as you are beautiful.

Looking backwards pt.1

I've been thinking about getting healthy a lot, as most people do around this time of year. However, I prefer to think in terms of how far I've come.

This time last year, I had just started boot camp. I forced myself to go every Monday, Wednesday, Friday, struggling to wake myself from my afternoon nap to go. I couldn't hold a plank, I couldn't do a squat, I couldn't last the whole 20 minute work out.

This time last year, I hadn't even thought about running a marathon. I hadn't run seriously probably ever, though I had played with a jog around the block every once in a while.

This time last year, I had no idea how badly I ate. I counted calories, but I had zero idea of what actually fueled my body and why. I ate because I wanted to, not because I needed to. And I ate way too much.

This time last year I hated my body. I hated the way it looked, the way it moved, the way clothes fit it. I hated the way it felt, and I hated that I didn't know how to make it feel better.

Today, I'm upset if I miss a day at bootcamp. And when the club goes on a break, I get antsy and actually WANT to work out on my own. And I find myself needing to push harder and harder to get to the point of exhaustion. I am stronger. I am fitter. I am better every day. Today I don't need a nap, and instead find myself trying to fill in the time between work and bootcamp.

Today, I can say I've completed a marathon. Not only that, but I consider myself a runner. I don't run nearly as often as I should in the cold weather, but I'm already chomping at the bit to get out and stretch my legs with ten miles.

Today, I have a better idea of what fuels my body, and I'm not afraid to be hungry. I can actually feel the difference in my body and strength when I eat things that are bad for me, and know better what I should eat. And when.

Today, my pants are smaller, my clothes fit looser and look better. I can actually walk into a store, almost any store, and find something that fits. That fact alone makes me want to cry when I think of all the years growing up that I hated shopping because nothing fit.

My goal in starting this was to appreciate my body and what it could do for me. I have a long way to go, but sometimes we have to remember where we started in order to see that what we have left isn't as scary as what we've already accomplished.

Quitting as Winning

A friend recommended I read Seth Godin's the dip this morning. She was moved to make some personal fitness goals, and the snippets she shared about sounded just about right. So I found myself tucked into a comfy chair in my local bookstore devouring the little jewel.

I've been thinking all year about quitting teaching. In Godin's terms, it is a cul de sac, a dead end. Teaching is not going to get me where I want to be. Not going to take me where I want to go. And I know that eventually I will need to quit. But I want to quit at the right time and for the right reasons.

With the education system in turmoil, it is inevitable that a mass exodus of teachers is not far off. We as a profession are in a dip, and there is definitely some pay off for those that stick through this. Namely, experience and expertise as the few veterans who were innovative enough to shape the system coming out of the dip. I want to be one of those. But it is not enough for me. So I've started thinking about what I want for myself. What does my ideal career look like?

I want to be the best.
Godin makes the case that unless you're number one, you're nothing. And this is true. However, he also makes it clear that you need to correctly choose WHAT to be number one in. I already know I am not the number one English teacher. Nor do I strive to be. I don't have the unending love for literature that number one should, and I don't really care to increase my knowledge in this area except for what is necessary for teaching literature to high school juniors. I do the bare minimum to succeed at that level and I'm ok with that. However, the fact that I'm ok with being average is the number one reason I should quit, according to the dip. And I agree. BUT, I do want to be the best educator. I want to be an expert, I like being the expert, and in fact thrive on playing that role. I NEED to be number one. And education is my thing, so where do I fit? Where is the need?

I want to be a presence.
Not only do I want to influence my market, the district, the audience, the school, whatever it may be, I want to have an online presence that continues that influence on a broader plane. It strikes me as quite possible that my entire presence could exist online, with the push to increase 21st century skills in the classroom, which is rapidly moving online. But it can't be just there. The need to have tangible relationships, people who vouch for me and my expertise, requires daily interaction on a personal level too I think. And I need to have that too.

I want to continue my own education.
I thrive in the classroom, where not only can I be the expert, but where I can challenge the status quo (not hard to find or do in Idaho) and also take in the experiences and expertise of others in my field. I love hearing what new teachers are thinking, and adding to their knowledge and ideas based on what I know.

I recently spoke with two acquaintances going through the same grad program I completed a few years ago. Their ideas and passion and energy were incredibly invigorating. And they were begging to sit down with me so I could help flesh out their AR proposals.I felt alive. I felt like I was doing what I loved to do. I felt right.

So with those things in mind, I posed Godin's questions to myself:
Is this a dip, a cliff, or a cul de sac? Teaching is unquestionably a dead end. With a system in turmoil that refuses to change, there is no where for a teacher to go except to continue teaching. Increased education is not rewarded monetarily, with pay scales frozen across the country, and the opportunity for promotion doesn't even exist, unless you count the step up to Dept. Head, whose increased responsibility to order pens for everyone is a joke. TEACHING as a profession is a cul de sac. The broader market of education offers more opportunity, though that is far less familiar territory for myself. Needs more research.

If it's a cul de sac, how can I change it into a dip? My first thought is to change my practice. There are several ideas I have been experimenting with in my classroom, and others I've pondered incorporating. I was talking to another teacher friend about my ideas, and came to the conclusion that I could work myself out of a job. After reading the dip, I realize working myself out of a job could actually GET me a job at a higher level, exactly where I want to go, in this era of budget cuts and teacher lay offs. If I can show districts how they can cut costs (although at the expense of jobs)through new and innovative ways of disseminating information to students, I can basically guarantee myself a job as a consultant at the very least, and possibly more with foundations that increasingly invest in education.

What chance does this project have at being the best in the world? Well, if my world is Idaho, then I'd say it has a pretty damn good chance. My ideas is in line with systems that have been put in place over the last few years in the state anyway, but that have yet to be used at any rate. Using resources already in place to continue to cut costs and work towards increases in success? I'd say there is a REALLY good chance I could be the best. I also see the possibility to turn this into an independent venture in the future if I wanted to.

Are you avoiding the remarkable as a way of quitting without quitting? Absolutely. If I remain average, just as everyone else is remaining average, then there is no one to beat, and I continue to stay under the radar ensuring further mediocrity. All of which I hate.

I went for a run this morning. And as I ran down the hill (some of which I ran up, but not most of it) I realized THIS was how I wanted to feel every day of my life. Education is in a BIG dip, has been for a long time. If I put in the effort, and I don't start to feel that freedom that I felt running this morning, then I will get out. I will quit. But hopefully I make the impact I intend to first, and quit because I can, not because I have to.
Well, shit. I think I need to schedule a meeting with my boss.

Deciding to be happy

I realized this last week that I've been miserable for so long this summer and it's all my fault.

You see, I went downtown to work on a fundraising project that needed to be done now, as in yesterday, or the day before. Needed to be complete and it wasn't. I didn't know what else to do, so I put on my shirt, grabbed a clipboard in a cheery hot pink color, and basically begged for five bucks from everyone that walked passed. I went into this knowing a smiling person was more likely to be successful. But it had been a long, stressful day at work followed up by my clutch going out on my pickup complete with an emergency trip to the repair shop, I was missing my workout to be there...all in all, you could say I just wanted to go home and curl into a ball. But instead, I pasted a fake smile onto my face, slapped giant sparkly sunglasses onto the top half, and hoped I could rustle up a couple hundred bucks.

As person after person said they already donate to the organization I was representing (yeah, sure you do. Receiving a flyer in the mail that EVERYONE gets doesn't count) I began to feel even less excited about being there. But as soon as my first donated fell into my collection plate, I began to feel encouraged. And the fake smile on my face was a little realer. And then, after 3 hours, I was having a blast!

And I realized something. I decided to be happy about the situation. And yes, I was encouraged by success, but I think at least in part, my success was because I decided I would be. And I needed to be. So I was.

This applies to happiness too. I don't like a lot about my life right now. I want a lot of it to change. I want a better job. One that I truly love and want to show up for each day. I want to make more money. I want to have less stress. I want a relationship, one that's meaningful and going somewhere. I want a better body. I want to be happier. And it struck me that I could be. I just needed to decide to be.

This is advice I've given to I don't know how many friends. When they start their pity party for the millionth time in a row, I suck it up, look them in the eye, and say "DO SOMETHING." And I don't know why I don't do the same for myself. This weekend has been eye opening. And I'm remembering to decide to be happy. Because I need it. Because I deserve it. And because I can be.

Overwhelmed

It's about time to go back to school. You see, I'm a teacher. And usually around this time of year, I start having visions of new trouser jeans and sweaters. But for some reason, this year I'm dreading the return. I don't know if it's because I'll be at a new school teaching new subjects. I don't know if it's because I still feel so connected to everything I've been doing with Team in Training this summer, and haven't completed my fundraising yet. I don't know if it's because I've become a better version of myself, and I don't want to go back to the girl I was last year and all the years before. And the start of the school year seems like an easy time to slip back into that person.

I haven't written for a long time. In fact, I completely forgot I started this project. I got so caught up in doing all of these things to get myself fixed, that it quickly overwhelmed me, and I stopped doing all of it. And I miss it. It was a good friend, the only person I've really shared the happenings of this summer with, that reminded me. And over the past few days I've felt a craving to get back to fixing myself. Fixing the broken parts of me, and making the good ones better.

I ran tonight. I went to a group run after bootcamp. Today, nothing I planned happened like it was supposed to. I felt defeated. And I felt it in my workouts. I skimped on the last half of the workout at bootcamp, totally cheating myself out of an awesome shoulder and back workout. And then I turned around early in the run by two minutes. Really? I couldn't run for two more minutes? Well, yes I could. But I told myself I couldn't. When I got to the finish, I realized I did in fact still have two more minutes in me so I ran back out, and came in with two of the fastest women I've ever seen run. I could NEVER run with them, but I sprinted in the last minute with one of them, and kept an incredibly fast pace with her. When I finished, I realized I can push myself more than I think I can. Which is something I needed to hear myself.

Later, as we all basked in our post-run sweat, I made a powerful realization. Sitting across the table from the guy that started me on this whole journey I had an internal conversation with myself, like most of the conversations I've had with him are, and I said: I am too good for the person you choose to be right now. And those small words, not self righteous or intending to harm but rather brutally honest, put so much into perspective. It's not that I didn't love him. Because I did. It was real and it was hard and it was lovely. And it's not that he didn't care about me. But like he said when we broke up, we're not compatible. He's choosing to remain in phase of life I'm leaving behind. And I'm growing and pushing myself to grow like never before. There is no way our emotional paths can cross right now. Perhaps in the future. Perhaps someday. Perhaps not again. But I deserve to have the best version of him, if it's him at all. And that version is not yet available.

As this was sinking in, I walked out to my car with a new friend I met through running. She has been incredibly kind and generous and I'm amazed that I have such a good friend in her. She said to me, "I don't know what it was but I realized something tonight. You were texting or something, and just the expression on your face or something, I don't know what it was, but you're really pretty." And that small compliment, right when I needed to hear it, meant so much. And I needed to write about all of this, because of that. So thanks.

A Morning Prayer

I miss him. I miss him so much it hurts. And part of me, the old part? the heart part?, wants to call him or text him or walk by his house to what he's up to. And not one part of me wants to turn to Jesus in this. Even though I know that's where I really need to find my comfort. I need to trust that this is what He wants, and that it will be used for His glory, and that I will be loved through it. How can I trust that? I have managed to screw everything up. Will he really bring someone into my life to love me the way I need and long to be loved?

This morning I decided to go to church. I was confronted with exactly what I needed: the gospel. The story of Jesus that is so perfect and complete that I feel confident I will get there. But the road looks so long and so painful, I'm scared to actually venture down it. I want to trust. I want to love. I want to heal. I want to be whole and filled with life and love.

But right now it just hurts.

Dear Heavenly Father,
Please help me to trust in you through this period. Please help me to know that this IS for your glory, and that this pain I feel, this loneliness and confusion, will be fulfilled and erased in you, Lord. Please help me to know when you are near, and please help to rest in your Lord. Please hold me like a lover, hold me close and tight and don't let me go. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.