I miss him. I miss him so much it hurts. And part of me, the old part? the heart part?, wants to call him or text him or walk by his house to what he's up to. And not one part of me wants to turn to Jesus in this. Even though I know that's where I really need to find my comfort. I need to trust that this is what He wants, and that it will be used for His glory, and that I will be loved through it. How can I trust that? I have managed to screw everything up. Will he really bring someone into my life to love me the way I need and long to be loved?
This morning I decided to go to church. I was confronted with exactly what I needed: the gospel. The story of Jesus that is so perfect and complete that I feel confident I will get there. But the road looks so long and so painful, I'm scared to actually venture down it. I want to trust. I want to love. I want to heal. I want to be whole and filled with life and love.
But right now it just hurts.
Dear Heavenly Father,
Please help me to trust in you through this period. Please help me to know that this IS for your glory, and that this pain I feel, this loneliness and confusion, will be fulfilled and erased in you, Lord. Please help me to know when you are near, and please help to rest in your Lord. Please hold me like a lover, hold me close and tight and don't let me go. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.
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