Overwhelmed

It's about time to go back to school. You see, I'm a teacher. And usually around this time of year, I start having visions of new trouser jeans and sweaters. But for some reason, this year I'm dreading the return. I don't know if it's because I'll be at a new school teaching new subjects. I don't know if it's because I still feel so connected to everything I've been doing with Team in Training this summer, and haven't completed my fundraising yet. I don't know if it's because I've become a better version of myself, and I don't want to go back to the girl I was last year and all the years before. And the start of the school year seems like an easy time to slip back into that person.

I haven't written for a long time. In fact, I completely forgot I started this project. I got so caught up in doing all of these things to get myself fixed, that it quickly overwhelmed me, and I stopped doing all of it. And I miss it. It was a good friend, the only person I've really shared the happenings of this summer with, that reminded me. And over the past few days I've felt a craving to get back to fixing myself. Fixing the broken parts of me, and making the good ones better.

I ran tonight. I went to a group run after bootcamp. Today, nothing I planned happened like it was supposed to. I felt defeated. And I felt it in my workouts. I skimped on the last half of the workout at bootcamp, totally cheating myself out of an awesome shoulder and back workout. And then I turned around early in the run by two minutes. Really? I couldn't run for two more minutes? Well, yes I could. But I told myself I couldn't. When I got to the finish, I realized I did in fact still have two more minutes in me so I ran back out, and came in with two of the fastest women I've ever seen run. I could NEVER run with them, but I sprinted in the last minute with one of them, and kept an incredibly fast pace with her. When I finished, I realized I can push myself more than I think I can. Which is something I needed to hear myself.

Later, as we all basked in our post-run sweat, I made a powerful realization. Sitting across the table from the guy that started me on this whole journey I had an internal conversation with myself, like most of the conversations I've had with him are, and I said: I am too good for the person you choose to be right now. And those small words, not self righteous or intending to harm but rather brutally honest, put so much into perspective. It's not that I didn't love him. Because I did. It was real and it was hard and it was lovely. And it's not that he didn't care about me. But like he said when we broke up, we're not compatible. He's choosing to remain in phase of life I'm leaving behind. And I'm growing and pushing myself to grow like never before. There is no way our emotional paths can cross right now. Perhaps in the future. Perhaps someday. Perhaps not again. But I deserve to have the best version of him, if it's him at all. And that version is not yet available.

As this was sinking in, I walked out to my car with a new friend I met through running. She has been incredibly kind and generous and I'm amazed that I have such a good friend in her. She said to me, "I don't know what it was but I realized something tonight. You were texting or something, and just the expression on your face or something, I don't know what it was, but you're really pretty." And that small compliment, right when I needed to hear it, meant so much. And I needed to write about all of this, because of that. So thanks.